lex: Longarm Prime complete with noodly appendages. (NOODLE ARMS)
[personal profile] lex
So yeah I might as well get this out there, though Twitter has heard all about it. I feel weird about sharing this but by sharing it I make myself face it so yeah. I recently realized that I'm depressed (noticed myself daydreaming about dying, so uh yeah that's a bad sign) and that I have been for months. In retrospect it's so obvious I could punch myself: lost ability to go to school and do schoolwork, lost ability to keep up with TFP, lost ability to keep up with other fandom interests, lost interest in cooking, and recently it even became too much to give Nostalgia attention or feed her wet food. I was just keeping her bowl of dry full. That's not good.

So I'm pushing myself to do better even though it's a struggle. Cuddling and playing with the cat, doing small things I've been putting off, and the big things: getting into therapy and dropping out of college. Technically it's a medical withdrawal. Technically I don't care, it's still dropping out and I feel like shit about it, and the only reason I'm doing it is because I'll probably be able to finish my degree once I have my shit together. The alternative is failing out. I refuse to do that. I am not my sister.

I am, however, really goddamn sick of telling everyone in my fucking school that I'm mentally ill and can't handle shit. REALLY SICK OF IT. I feel like I'm grabbing people on the street and screaming I'M FUCKED UP, PITY ME. I was raised to accept the consequences of my actions or inactions, to be responsible for myself, so trying to get out of this pit I've dug is just... It's harder than it should be.

So yeah that's where my shit is at now. Pell got me caught up on TFP last night, which was A-FUCKING-MAZING and I am reminded all over again how much I love this show and all its craziness. I know everyone is screeching at the faction leaders but jfc can I just love all over Soundwave here? WHAT A BADASS MOFO. HNNNNGH. He may be a delicate creeper but he can fuck your shit up like swatting a fly. Fuck yeah. I have such a massive crush on him, it's stupid. XD I just want all Soundwave all the time. ALL THE TIME. :|

Also I picked up the DotM DVD so there will be icons soon, methinks. As soon as I can bear to actually watch it with an eye for good shots rather than an eye full of tears and broken hearts. I mean... No okay I did mean that.

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