lex: Longarm Prime complete with noodly appendages. (NOODLE ARMS)
[personal profile] lex
So yeah I might as well get this out there, though Twitter has heard all about it. I feel weird about sharing this but by sharing it I make myself face it so yeah. I recently realized that I'm depressed (noticed myself daydreaming about dying, so uh yeah that's a bad sign) and that I have been for months. In retrospect it's so obvious I could punch myself: lost ability to go to school and do schoolwork, lost ability to keep up with TFP, lost ability to keep up with other fandom interests, lost interest in cooking, and recently it even became too much to give Nostalgia attention or feed her wet food. I was just keeping her bowl of dry full. That's not good.

So I'm pushing myself to do better even though it's a struggle. Cuddling and playing with the cat, doing small things I've been putting off, and the big things: getting into therapy and dropping out of college. Technically it's a medical withdrawal. Technically I don't care, it's still dropping out and I feel like shit about it, and the only reason I'm doing it is because I'll probably be able to finish my degree once I have my shit together. The alternative is failing out. I refuse to do that. I am not my sister.

I am, however, really goddamn sick of telling everyone in my fucking school that I'm mentally ill and can't handle shit. REALLY SICK OF IT. I feel like I'm grabbing people on the street and screaming I'M FUCKED UP, PITY ME. I was raised to accept the consequences of my actions or inactions, to be responsible for myself, so trying to get out of this pit I've dug is just... It's harder than it should be.

So yeah that's where my shit is at now. Pell got me caught up on TFP last night, which was A-FUCKING-MAZING and I am reminded all over again how much I love this show and all its craziness. I know everyone is screeching at the faction leaders but jfc can I just love all over Soundwave here? WHAT A BADASS MOFO. HNNNNGH. He may be a delicate creeper but he can fuck your shit up like swatting a fly. Fuck yeah. I have such a massive crush on him, it's stupid. XD I just want all Soundwave all the time. ALL THE TIME. :|

Also I picked up the DotM DVD so there will be icons soon, methinks. As soon as I can bear to actually watch it with an eye for good shots rather than an eye full of tears and broken hearts. I mean... No okay I did mean that.


Date: 2011-10-11 05:36 pm (UTC)
sharpest_asp: Nate Ford sitting on a bench, Sophie Devereaux resting against his lap (Default)
From: [personal profile] sharpest_asp
Hey, I hear you. I get it. I am one of those idiots who refuse to go get help, and bash my head figuratively into stone walls to fight with my depression.

So i am in awe of you for getting yourself to a point of helping yourself out of the hole.

Date: 2011-10-12 12:47 am (UTC)
swordage: rotf Soundwave (Default)
From: [personal profile] swordage
I've been in therapy on and off since I was, um, five? So that part isn't hard for me. It's just admitting that my failures are due to my illness, and that my illness isn't me. But... I really think that I just happened to notice this round before it got too bad. I hope you get some help when you need it too, honey!

Date: 2011-10-11 06:08 pm (UTC)
darthneko: kitten and bunny cuddling ([personal] bunnylove)
From: [personal profile] darthneko
Soundwave, SUPERIOR. WORD. ^_____^

And also [hugs] if you want them, and tea and pillows.

Date: 2011-10-12 12:55 am (UTC)
swordage: rotf Soundwave (Default)
From: [personal profile] swordage
Ahhhh thank you! For some reason I did not think of tea. Tea helps EVERYTHING. XD

Soundwave is so amazing. I just. I cannot even handle how much I adore him. CANNOT DEAL WITH IT. *flail*

Date: 2011-10-11 06:55 pm (UTC)
caiusmajor: Transformers: Rodimus Prime, lying facedown (Rodimus Prime lying facedown)
From: [personal profile] caiusmajor
Soundwave was INDEED awesome. :D

And ugggh I feel for you re: the mental health stuff, but I'm so glad you're getting help, even though that process sucks too. *hugs*

Date: 2011-10-12 12:58 am (UTC)
swordage: rotf Soundwave (Default)
From: [personal profile] swordage
I think when it comes to Soundwave, I need a fainting couch. :| How can one person be so attractive in so many ways?!

yeah it... it sucks a lot. A *LOT*. But I'm glad I'm doing it too.

Date: 2011-10-11 07:29 pm (UTC)
hellkitty: (kitty yawn)
From: [personal profile] hellkitty
Do what you need to do. College will be there when you're ready for it and you don't do yourself any service adding more stress or Fs or debt to your life, right?

Take care of yourself, get therapy, get your love of life back. Those things are way more important than...well, what amounts to a piece of paper.

And kiss Nostalgia for me.

Date: 2011-10-12 01:16 am (UTC)
swordage: rotf Soundwave (Default)
From: [personal profile] swordage
Yeah, I... I know that doing this gives me the best chance of coming back and getting my degree. That's really the only reason I'm doing it. If I could just suffer with this and still graduate? Yeah, I would be doing that. I've only got a year left. But I can't, so I won't.

Thank you. I just gave her snuggles AND kisses. XD She sent back hand-licks!

Date: 2011-10-12 02:50 am (UTC)
katarik: Care Bears II: ANG: Dark Heart holding crystallized Christy (I care!)
From: [personal profile] katarik
-- *Ack*, honey, that is indeed an awful place to be.

*makes you tea and vegan vegetable korma* I am so very proud of you for recognizing that your illness isn't the same as a fuckup you made, and managing to take steps to deal with it.

Date: 2011-10-12 07:43 am (UTC)
ext_407633: (Gentlemen Killers)
From: [identity profile] empty-geas.insanejournal.com
*hugs* It's good to hear from you again.
And Soundwave is indeed the most awesome of mechs. There is truly no logical argument there.

On another completely different not that doesn't at all have to do with the upcoming holiday, squash and pumpkin are still on the okay to eat list aren't they?

Date: 2011-10-20 02:07 am (UTC)
ext_407633: (Snowflake)
From: [identity profile] empty-geas.insanejournal.com
*grins* I am a very disreputable type, so that is perfectly understandable. Talking is always good.
I don't know what your schedule is like, but I am often on AIM on Monday nights. Usually by 9pm eastern. Occasionally earlier. Still using the screen name EmptyGeas.